Dead or alive Part 2

Dead or alive Part 2

The day of funeral approached. I was not able to live in our flat or even enter it since he died in our bed room and there were too many fresh memories. My decision was taken to go on and make the best of it. The Priest came some days before to condole and talk about the arrangements etc. I gave him clear advice to make it a light as possible service without all this crying and down holding sermons. We did it and the coffin found his final resting place – for me he was not there anymore, his spirit and heart were not there – I was able to say bye and see you later (which I did 1 year and 4 months after but that’s some other story). The crying reached its peek and slowly subsided in time.

Life goes on but it was like living in a bubble for the next 2 months. Sometimes I literally could see a bubble around me. I could hear and see people but somehow I seemed protected inside my bubble – a strange feeling but needed at that time. I was known to be a very strong minded woman, my fences were solid and my emotions shared only with a hand full of people – most of all with that one who moved on. Needless to say, I was “defense less” since this earth quake left no stone on top of the other, no fence in tact and no excuses to hide behind. Past came to give me some hint on how to deal with it. When I was very young I had an experience that changed my way of thinking and that would help me now. That time I was kind of living on the street cause our home was filled with jealousy and alcoholic of a Mother for some years and fights on a daily base. One day my that time boyfriend and me lay in the greens watching the night sky. Suddenly we seamed to be “taken out of time” and a pulsing UFO appeared straight over our heads. To make a long story short, since that time I know for sure, that there are no secrets, no walls thick or big enough to hide and no well deep enough to disappear. Face it and be honest to yourself – the only person you can not hide from is yourself. That time I was a teen ager – many years later this experience opened a new way for me to understand what I am doing and what happens to me. What I learned then was and still is responsible for the base line of my thinking and acting. It says, that no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, it is never too much to bear unless you give in. I will continue next time with the “help of Angels and Friends” and how it all fell in place for me to understand bit by bit.