Dead or alive Part 1

It was a 31. of December when he looked at me and then his eyes broke – 4 pm and life would never be the same again. Did I die with him or was I alive?
29 years old – heart failure after no visible signs. He was my best friend, husband,partner,biz partner and trusty for 10 years and it was the year when I turned 30 – I had known long before, that this year will bear something for me that will change my life. I did not expect it this way but as it happened I had to deal with it.

How to deal with the happenings? How to manage life after all? How to continue business without him? Many questions arise in situations like that and as it seems, death held always many questions for me but this one was the most emotional of all up until then.

I hated the 3 days which turned into 7 due to holidays waiting for the funeral to set a final point in my history book.

During this time I sat on a river side dealing with myself and what happened. The water was calming, icy blue it was winter. It called me in saying “if you jump in now, it won’t take long because it is cold – come one jump if you think you can not go on”!
I was sitting there for hours, smoking (as I did that time) thinking about what now and what to do. I knew, I had to answer one final question “am I able to go on in life or not”? The answer finally was yes but with conditions. I gave myself 3 months time to deal with myself, my self pity my sorrow my tears but it must be for good and the goal is to make the most positive of it. I did it and how it worked I will continue in a next post. Just so much – where is a will there is a way.